#also yes i am aware that jens would be a ballerino

[ghosttotheparty]

say my name and say it twice (cotton candy skies)

20. also on AO3 chapter nineteen

Lucas’s face falls as he rereads the words on his screen. 

Call ended.

He lets himself deflate, his shoulders dropping as he sighs, closing his eyes. He puts his elbows on his desk in front of him, holding his face in his hands as he squeezes his eyes shut, tensing his face and shoulders before collapsing, dropping so his head rests on his forearms, crossing on the cold surface of his desk. He feels it against his skin, the sleeves of his worn sweater rolled up past his elbows, and he embraces it, focuses on it, lets it consume him, until he lifts his head, pulling his sleeves down over his hands, tugging them past his fingers and gripping them in his fists, the material twisted around his fingers. He lifts his hands and rubs the material on his face, letting it scratch gently, his eyes still closed.

He lets himself be alone.

The flat is empty, Zoë and Senne off somewhere, Milan on a lunch date, and it’s silent, except for the hum of his heater and the quiet sounds of the flat settling, creaks in the wood floor and doors. His hands drift from his face, crossing over his chest to cradle his shoulders, which are slightly shrugged up, uncomfortable and stiff. 

He doesn’t notice his feet tapping the ground anxiously, hitting against the wood of the floor and of the leg of his char, doesn’t notice his teeth tugging at his bottom lip, biting the skin, doesn’t notice how it hurts. He doesn’t hear anything. 

So he jumps when he hears his computer chime loudly, after who knows how long, and he looks up when it continues, the screen glowing, letting him know that Ralph is calling him. 

He lets go of himself, pushing his shoulders down and rubbing his face quickly, taking a deep breath before he answers, forcing a smile. 

“Hey.”

“Hello, my love!” Ralph is grinning, his arms crossed on the table in front of him, a table Lucas doesn’t recognise. He doesn’t recognise the room behind Ralph either, the wall that sunlight is streaming across, or the fixture hanging from the ceiling. “Are you okay?” 

Lucas looks from the fixture to Ralph and sees that his smile has dropped slightly, his brows furrowed. 

“Yeah, I’m good,” he lies. “Uhm, where are you?” 

“I’m in Norway, visiting a friend.” Ralph looks over his computer screen and waves a hand. 

Another man joins him, tossing an arm around Ralph’s shoulders. He has short strawberry blonde hair. He looks kind of like a fairy. 

“Hi, I’m Eskild,” he says in English, and Lucas smiles, waving. 

“Hey,” Lucas says, pointing at him, suddenly recognising him. “You were at that party in Utrecht, right?” 

Eskild nods, grinning. 

“I’m Lucas.”

“Ralph has told me all about you, he loves you.” 

“Aw.” Lucas grins as Ralph shoves at Eskild. (There’s a “Shut up!” that Lucas almost misses.) 

“You said you had to tell me something?” Ralph asks when Eskild lets go of him, stepping to the side. 

“Yeah, so—”

“Is it okay that I’m here?” Eskild interrupts, holding his hands up. “I can leave if you want.”

“Oh, no, it’s fine. Actually you’ll probably be happy too, you guys seem to be kindred spirits.” 

Eskild coos excitedly, pulling a chair up next to Ralph’s and Ralph moves over. Lucas waits as they get situated. 

“Okay, tell us,” Ralph says, and they both look up at him. 

“So…” Lucas takes a deep breath. He pauses, hearing a creak in the floor, and waits for a few seconds, listening, and continues when he doesn’t hear anything else. “I have a boyfriend.” 

“You have a what?” Ralph practically yells and Eskild exclaims and claps. Lucas giggles, covering his face. “Wait, say that again, I wanna hear it again.”

“I have a boyfriend.” 

“Oh my god.” Ralph takes a heavy breath and looks away before looking back. “Do you remember when you told me—” “Ralph, sto-o-op.” 

“—that you didn’t think you’d ever find someone?” 

Eskild watches them, his jaw dropped, his hands still clasped in front of him. 

Lucas sighs, smiling, and looks away, exasperated. 

“I think I was…” 

“What?” Eskild prompts when he trails off, and Lucas pauses before finishing his thought. 

“I think I was waiting for him.” 

They both squeal loudly, grabbing at each other, and Lucas laughs. 

“That’s so fucking cute, oh my god,” Ralph says, shoving Eskild’s shoulder.

“I know.”

“What’s his name?” Ralph asks, leaning over, his elbows in the table.

“Jens.” Lucas can feel his face burning, can feel his cheeks flushing bright, and it only makes his smile more. 

“Jens,” Ralph sighs. “Tell us about him, is he pretty?” 

“Yes.” 

They both snicker. 

“How did you meet?” Eskild asks. 

“Uhm… So I just kind of wander the city a lot, and one day I happened to be outside his dance studio when he was finishing practise.” 

“Wait, his what studio?” Ralph asks, his jaw dropped and his eyes wide. 

“Dance? He’s a ballerina.” 

They both start yelling, grabbing at each other again, a mess of  “Oh my go-o-o-od!” and “Ballerina!”, and Lucas laughs again, pressing his sweater-covered hands over his mouth. 

“Lucas, you are… living my dream,” Eskild says when they manage to calm down, and Lucas laughs harder, not knowing what to say. 

“How long have you guys been together?” Ralph asks. 

“Uhm, a few weeks? I don’t really know what actually like, was the start of the relationship, if that makes sense.”

“Explain, please.” 

“Like…” Lucas sighs. “When we first started hanging out, we were already kind of… flirty?” They both are smiling at him, and he keeps talking, trying to ignore it. “Like teasing and stuff, and then holding hands and playing with each other’s hair. And we went on a few dates.” “Where to?” Ralph asks. 

“A cafe, skateparks. Honestly, just us hanging out outside his studio felt like dates.” 

“That’s precious,” Eskild says. 

“Who made the first move?” Ralph asks, setting his chin on his palm. 

“Uhm,” Lucas pauses, thinking. “I asked to hang out first. And then I kissed him, but we didn’t talk about it at all. And then I told him to kiss me because he was taking too long.”

“Ooo, Lucas is bold.” 

He shrugs, smiling bashfully. 

“Wait, have you guys…” Ralph doesn’t finish the question, lowering his chin and raising his eyebrows as Eskild punches his shoulder.

“Ralph…” Lucas looks away, feeling like he just shoved his face into a pool of lava, suppressing a smile. 

“I can’t tell if that’s a yes or a no.” 

“No, we haven’t.” 

“Okay,” Ralph says, holding his hands up like he’s surrendering. “Not a problem.” 

“Do you want to?” Eskild asks, curiosity clearly getting the best of him.

“I mean…” Lucas sighs. “I guess, yeah. But if he doesn’t want to, like if it doesn’t happen, I won’t be upset, you know?” 

“You’re an angel, Lucas van der Heijden,” Ralph says, and Lucas’s smile grows again. 

He doesn’t feel as sad anymore.

Ralph seems to remember at the same time as him. 

“Hey, did something happen before I called? You seemed… off.”

“I, uhm…” He pauses, contemplating whether or not to tell them. “I’d been talking to Jayden.”

“Jayden, skater Jayden?” 

Lucas chuckles at this, the way Ralph has managed to remember his friends that he doesn’t know well. Skater Jayden, Skater Kes, Liv’s Noah, Liv’s Isa, etc.

“That’s the one.”

“Who’s Jayden?” Eskild asks, looking confused. 

“One of Luc’s friends in Utrecht.” 

Eskild nods, looking back to Lucas. 

“Tell us,” Ralph says, and Lucas almost laughs at the seriousness of it all, at how they’re both looking at him like they’re his dads.

“I don’t know, I haven’t really been keeping up with him or Kes. Or anyone, really, except you and Noah. And we just happened to be online at the same time so he asked if I wanted to call and I said yeah, so…” He pauses, rubbing his face, feeling them both looking at him. “It was awkward at first, just because we haven’t been talking, and then it was fine, and then—” He cuts himself off, huffing and tossing his hands, suddenly frustrated. Pissed. 

“What happened?” Eskild presses softy. 

“I don’t know, he just… He started acting weird and then he kind of made a comment that like… that I’ve changed. And I tried to just shrug it off and I made a joke about moving countries, and he acted like… Like it was weird.” 

“What the hell?” Ralph drops his hand and makes a face. “Did he say anything?” 

“He said ‘You’ve changed,’ and then ‘Why are you acting like this?’ but when I asked what he meant he just changed the subject. And when we hung up it was just really uncomfortable and weird, and I just…” 

“What the hell?” Ralph repeats.  

“He seemed upset,” Lucas adds, his voice small, and for a second he thinks they couldn’t hear him. 

“He can’t be upset about that,” Eskild says suddenly, looking at Ralph and then Lucas on the screen. “That’s what people do.” 

“Yeah, exactly,” Ralph says, pointing at him. “That’s basically the meaning of life. The whole point of existence is change and growth.” Lucas listens intently. “And he may not know it but the way that you’ve changed has been growth. Every time we’ve talked since you moved to Antwerp, you seem more and more at ease with yourself, and you seem happier and happier.” 

Lucas smiles. 

“He can’t be mad that you’re changing,” Ralph continues, looking angry. “If you walk into a forest and find a sprig, you can’t be mad when you go back five years later and find a tree. That’s not—” He huffs and Eskild places a hand on his forearm. 

“He has no reason to be upset,” Eskild continues for him. “It’s not like he hasn’t changed at all, right?” 

“His hair is longer,” Lucas contributes. “And he has a new earring.”

“There you go, are you mad about it?” 

Lucas laughs. 

“No.” 

“Exactly. Jayden’s a dummy.” 

Lucas and Ralph laugh again, shaking their heads at Eskild. 

“And why haven’t you been talking to them, was it just, like…” Ralph asks. 

“I don’t know, when I first moved we talked a lot and kept up, but eventually it felt like I was the only one actually trying. Like, all their texts felt dry, and I just felt like they didn’t want to talk to me.” They nod. “Which could just be anxiety, but I stopped texting first as much and it just dwindled.” 

“So none of them really talk to you?” Ralph says, looking surprised, and Lucas shakes his head. 

“Not really.” 

“You can’t give a hundred percent in a relationship with someone who won’t even give fifty,” Eskild says, and Ralph nods, pointing at him. 

“Yeah,” Lucas sighs. “I’m kind of  over it, I’m not that mad.”

They both look at him, looking sympathetic, their eyes soft. 

“I mean, it hurt at first. But I’ve got Jens. And you guys, and Noah. And some friends here. It’ll be fine.”

Ralph smiles sadly. 

“That’s true. You’ll always have people.” 

“I’ll always have people.” 

There’s a moment of silence and then Lucas snickers quietly. 

“You guys are good… what’s the word I’m looking for, mentors? Confidants?”

“Gurus,” they say simultaneously, and then exclaim and point at each other excitedly as Lucas says, “That’s  it!” 

Ralph and Eskild laugh hysterically, and Lucas can’t help but laugh with them. 

He gets Eskild’s phone number and Instagram before they hang up.